The Myriad Programme – Survivor Feedback
I am a woman in my 60’s living in South Wales. I have been married to a man and latterly a woman. I never explored my sexuality when I was young. I married my husband as I didn’t want to be on my own or on the shelf and I was of the generation where this was the thing to do. We were married for 24 years. I was never really happy. He was controlling but never violent. In the last 10 years or so we were more like housemates than partners. I just never had the strength to leave, and I put my daughter’s need before my own. That relationship has now totally broken down.
I was in my 50’s, hating my job and miserable when X came into my life. We were friends at first, we connected from day 1, I liked being around her. We seemed to have things in common, we would have a laugh together, she seemed to understand me, notice me and I enjoyed the attention. The relationship developed and we got married.
I gave her money from the start, helping her out of a difficult situation. I assumed she’d pay me back as she said she would. I’d help anyone out and I tend to look for the good in people, give them a chance until proved otherwise.
It was a toxic relationship. The first time she slapped me I was shocked and came close to leaving but convinced myself not to. I’m ashamed to say that I hit her too until I said that it wasn’t acceptable and that if there were any more violence that it would be over, so it never happened again. However, the emotional and financial abuse I received form her never eased and when my money was gone, I borrowed money to give to her. I felt I couldn’t refuse.
The emotional abuse resulted in me having anxiety and depression. I lost my sense of self, didn’t know who I was, doubted everything I thought about and did, believed I was a bad person. I had never cried so much, I was unable to say what I thought, I walked on eggshells. My logical brain tried to tell me what was going on was wrong but somehow I convinced myself her lies were the truth and I’d always feel sorry for her and so guilty about my behaviour. My heart overruled my head. I felt so guilty asking her anything about she’d told me if it didn’t make sense and she’d be so annoyed or hurt by this I’d feel terrible. Yet she knew everything about me and would often twist this to use it against me. She told me to stop acting the victim, that I was childish, selfish, money obsessed and crazy. I started to believe I was all these things. I felt lonely in the relationship, not being heard, not understood. I then decided the only way to get through it was to switch my emotions off. It wasn’t’ a good experience but at least I wasn’t crying all the time.
Then Covid hit and X went to support her family out of the area. She was away for periods of weeks or months at a time. Instead of missing her, I felt so much happier on my own, I was relaxed, calm, feeling so much better in myself. I wanted a divorce but I had some idea of what a nightmare that would be. Once I made this clear to her, the verbal abuse escalated. There were lots of threats and personal attack on my character. I was an extremely difficult time and I didn’t feel confident about coming through it. I had legal advice and was told to contact Women’s Aid but I though other people’s problems were far worse than mine. I kept underplaying the effect I had on me. I felt ashamed I’d allowed it to happen and I felt stupid.
I didn’t feel that I would fit in the domestic abuse group where the perpetrators were men as my experience was different. I had suffered abuse at the hands of a fraudulent person who had a criminal record, someone with a narcissistic personality, seemingly a professional fraudster.
I was offered a place on the Myriad programme for LGBTQ+ and it seemed the right fit for me. It’s an 8-week programme which helped me to work through all of the issues around domestic abuse. It’s also life affirming and provides a safe, non-judgemental environment to explore all aspects of our lives including how our upbringing shapes u. It has a positive focus, building self-esteem and the confidence to cope with everything life throws at us. Each week, a different topic is explored, sometimes this subject matter is difficult to deal with but there is help and guidance in exploring this in a safe and accepting way. The benefits I’ve gained have outweighed the challenges I felt at the time. The more I put in, the more I gained. I never thought that I’d emerge from the course feeling so much better than I did at the start of it. I have undergone a complete shift in the way I think, I used to be negative but now I am more positive in my outlook. I appreciate the small things so much more, I have reconnected with my siblings and nieces and nephews. I feel like my old self again, for the first time in many years. I feel confident that I would be able to recognise an abuser and I will never ignore what my gut instinct is telling me in the future.
I recommend the programme to anyone needed support and I would tell them not to be afraid, it’s a safe, comfortable space that puts you at the centre. I cannot thank Gwilym enough for his support and expertise in dealing with my issues. From the start, the relief I felt from being truly believed and supported was immense. Thank you.